Month: June 2016

Coaches, supervisors, and parents are confronted with a unlimited number of issues with their players, employees, and children.  Some are relatively benign…while others require some intensive thought and a plan of action to assist the issue.

One of the problems that are inevitable…….

Relationships!

The individual comes to you.  Maybe after a period of trying to work through the situation themselves…and they need someone “sane” to talk to.  This usually takes place after they discussed it with one of their friends and quickly realized their friends advice was a little less crazy than a speech from a democratic primary….

vs….

They want someone to talk to.  They want someone who will NOT take the issue to Facebook…..(vague quotes about relationships, “Don’t go a mile for someone who won’t go an inch for….well…you get it)!  They want someone who will not multiply the drama in their life.  They want real advice and they want to know how in the heck to make their pain subside.

Each time this has happened to me it has come at a VERY inconvenient time. I’m running late….I’m getting food “To Go”…..late to church……ASLEEP at 3am even.  But I don’t care one single bit.  These are the moments…when the lights are not on…that we earn our title as coaches and mentors.

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One of my favorite players of all time came to me one beautiful Piedmont day with a stern, yet vulnerable look on his face.  He had been a little disconnected the past couple of days and I had called him on it.

I put my arm around him and asked one key question…..

“Is it a girl, school, or home?!  Or All of the above?!  Come talk to me when you are ready!”

After the player and I talked for a few minutes something seemed different about him.  The girlfriend was definitely an issue…..so we began our process….I said,

“Let’s play a little game here.  Just for the heck of it, let’s say you are the Athletic Director at the University of…..well….and SEC school!  You have to hire a Head Football Coach in less than 3 weeks.   What are the characteristics you are looking for in a Head Coach?

Player:  “Well Coach, I would need the following things:

-A coach with a bachelor’s degree and masters degree…..minimum!

-A proven Head Coach at a major program,

-A winning record.

-A Coach that has been to a few different places and WON!

-A proven Recruiter.  Someone who can recruit the very best!

-A coach with a stable family life….Wife understands the Culture.

-A coach with a good reputation…erh…a BIG NAME!

-A defensive mind:  A head coach that is intense and will fight for you in the street.

-Oh…and being a defensive coach…a coach who will hire the right Offensive Coord.

-A good fit for the South.  A cross between a Southern Baptist Preacher and a CEO of a fortune 500 company.  Someone who could compete with Nick Saban, Jim McElwain, and Kirby Smart.

Player:  “What do you think so far, Coach?!”

Me:  “Wow, impressive!  Very impressive!  The only thing you left out is calling Jimmy Sexton…….

………….However,

“What characteristics do you look for in a girl to date?!, REAL TALK!?”

Player:  “Well, I would normally say good legs, Beyonce’s butt, and a that look in her eye..you know what I’m sayin!?”

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Ok…Ok…I know what you are thinking!  But I’ve had this conversation many times over my career.  And yes, when I was in college I dated just for fun! However, I figured out real quick that I had to re-examine my qualifications!  And honestly, those girls probably needed to work on their qualifications too….when considering ME!!!

If the following list is even remotely correct, then I’m getting close!  Click the link below:

The 10 People You Date Before You Meet The One!

My favorite is #9…..especially the last part! I’ve personally seen that one a few times.

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Anyway, the whole relationship thing is a eons different then it ever has been or ever will be due to several factors:

1. TECHNOLOGY:  Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, etc, etc, etc….TINDER!  (My favorite are the people on Tinder that say they want a serious relationship…NOT A HOOKUP…and to “Swipe Left” if you are looking for a hookup! I mean…you …are…on…Tinder!  TINDER!  C’mon man!!
2. EXPANDING NETWORKS: In the past, guys would meet a girl in his hometown or a few towns over, and BAM….the cycle repeats itself!  Today, anyone is a keystroke away from meeting anyone…AROUND THE WORLD!
3. FASTER RELATIONSHIP PHASES:  The Discovery Phase is now days….thanks to #1 and #2 above 🙂  Anything you want to know…THE INTERNET will tell you!  (Half of you guys are laughing at this right now because one of the tabs above is on Facebook…your ex’s Facebook, That is!)
4. CHANGING SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS: I’m not going to venture too far into this but society has changed its views on SEX, SEXUALITY, ATTRACTION, AND THE DEFINITION OF INTIMACY!

AND WHILE ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE CHANGED OUR WORLD…ONE CONDITION STILL REMAINS THE SAME….

We are trying to obtain positive relationships and we are all trying to HIRE our personal Co-Head Coaches!

We all have dreams and aspirations in our heads of what our future spouse should be like.  We tell our friends when we met someone we are interested in and then we feel let down when we find out that special person has a past, parents won’t approve, and isn’t interested in OUR DREAMS!

So, What in the world should our QUALIFICATIONS be?

When I look back at my college years, I remember seeing a pattern when examining the dating culture during that time.  The culture was cyclical:

THE JACKED UP COLLEGE DATING CYCLE

(Please don’t take this as me being cynical….this is just what I have seen as the “secular” dating cycle..)

1. Discovery Phase:  1 hour-2 weeks..
2. Intimacy Phase: No explanation needed.
3. Breakup Phase:  Usually over a minor issue that is just a means for one to get out of the relationship!
4. Recovery Phase: Usually involved meeting another person and entering #1 again…

Now, let’s go a little more “IN DEPTH” into the cycle…..

1: Discovery Phase:

“This is who I want you to THINK I am.  Things like Trust/Loyalty/Commitment are yet to be tested…but “Dang, THEY ARE HOT!”  I’m not sure if Intimacy SHOULD happen but (I KNOW IT SHOULDN’T…BUT….DANGIT!  It just happened.”

2. Intimacy Phase:

“DID THAT JUST HAPPEN AGAIN!  DANGIT!  And what did you say your roommates name is again?!  Oh, Ok!  I’ve driven through your hometown with my parents on our way to vacation…..its SOO COOL!  Oh class?!  I only have a lab at……???  I haven’t been in a week!  Do you still want to hang out tonight?!”

3. Discovery Phase Part II:

“We’ve been together for a month and you listen to Dwight Yoakam!?  I can’t even believe this!!!  And you grew up a Tennessee fan!?  WTH!!??  I don’t even know who you are anymore…..!?  But, when we get married…and yes we are still getting married...how many kids are we having..”

4. Break-Up Phase:

(At one person’s apt or dorm room)…”I saw you having coffee with your professor…..do you two have a thing?  Oh, I’m not accusing you?  I just wanted to know!  Wait, my “boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/it’s complicated” is here…I’m sorry but you need to go…..but I really enjoyed last night!  Facebook DM me after he leaves…”

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Now,  let’s look back at that list of QUALIFICATIONS that my player gave me for hiring a Head Coach at an SEC program….and let’s put the list into play with a relationship….Girlfriend/Boyfriend dynamic:

–A coach with a bachelor’s degree and masters degree…..minimum! Is the candidate prepared, willing, and able to be your partner in all decisions spiritual, parental (when kids arrive), FINANCIAL, and medical (do you trust them to make the right decision…..?)

–A proven Head Coach at a major program:  Has the candidate learned from…and accepted their past and do they see it as changing them for the better? They have been around scene and see your value and your worth as a person spiritually, parentally, and financially?

–A winning record. As much as we hate to admit it at times…life counts wins and losses.  Is the candidate a winner?  Has the candidate proven their PRIORITIES AND STANDARDS can stand the test of time? Are they biblical standards!?!? Food for thought!

–A Coach that has been to a few different places and WON!  Has the candidate dated a few people and learned from each?  Are they friends with them?  Do they stay in contact with all of their exes? (RED FLAG)!  Most importantly, does the candidate want to tell you about those experiences because they want you to understand and know the candidate better…..?

–A proven Recruiter.  Someone who can recruit the very best!  What type of people surround your candidate?  Are they trustworthy?  Is there always drama?  What type of people does your candidate recruit to invest in….?  On Friday night, is their first play call, “What time are we meeting at the bar!?”  ****What do they talk about?  What’s in their heart?!

-A coach with a stable family life….Wife/Husband understands the Culture. Does the candidate know what THEY are getting THEMSELVES into with YOU!?!?  This list does go both ways!  Do you really want to become intimate with them and them FREAK OUT with they discover your addiction to anything “Justin Beiber”!  Trust me….you don’t want to get into a rough football season and your significant other figure out they don’t want to be a “coaches wife/husband”!

–A coach with a good reputation…erh…a BIG NAME!  This one is just plain obvious.  Does the candidate have a good reputation?  Do you keep hearing stories of what the candidate did at that football party in 2005? Things to consider…….    People can….and do…change…but its not a good feeling to have a friend or acquaintance walk up to you in a restaurant or bar and…with sincere look, ask “Are you with THEM!?”

–A defensive mind… A head coach that is intense and will fight for YOU in the street:  *****************Is the candidate loyal?!  TO YOU!  Sure they have friends!  They better! But are they going to be loyal to YOU through thick and thin!  

-Oh…and being a defensive coach…a coach who will hire the right Offensive Coord:  Is your candidate able to outsource when necessary?!  When they do need help, who would the candidate seek out?  Is your candidate humble and efficient enough to understand when they need to seek guidance from a spiritual, financial, parental, or relational authority?!….OR DO THEY INTERNALIZE?   ****Also tied to this:  Are they relationally mature?

-A good fit for the South.  A cross between a Southern Baptist Preacher and a CEO of a fortune 500 company.  Someone who could compete with Nick Saban, Jim McElwain, and Kirby Smart.  All I am going to say about this one is…….watch Paulie Shore in…

Well, let’s take a look at what the Alpha and the Omega says about virtuous relationships…..

The following link is summary to the Love Story of Ruth and Boaz….

The Love Story of Ruth and Boaz

When you read that story you will realize that it talks a great deal about waiting (from both sides), faith ( in yourself…others…and GOD), and TIMING! Also, everyone in the story had to meet certain biblical qualifications before the situation could present itself….

This week you are back home for the first time in a year or you are working your Boaz off in a summer job (You gotta give me credit for the corny stuff)!  Either way, you should have a little time at night to think about WHO you are and WHERE your life is going!  During this “Free Time”…list the top 10 traits you want in your mate and ask this question:

Do I possess and reflect the traits I expect my future mate to have?!

Would you hire YOU to be the Assistant Head Coach of your LIFE!????……

I think that is a great stopping point for this week’s message…..

So this week, ask yourself:

Am I a Boaz…or am I just another person on that list above?

Just asking……

Stay Strong!

#CoachKD

#WouldIBuyWhatIamSelling?

“He offended me…”

“She disrespected me, man!”

“Did you see the way he stared me down?!  I’m going to ask him if he has a problem!”

“Did you see her facebook post? I can’t believe she posted that!”

“He said Kobe was better than Lebron….so I punched him!”

We as a society are ANGRY……AT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!  If you don’t think so, sit in a restaurant or in your local Starbucks and listen to the conversations.  You will most likely see someone get frustrated because their triple shot macchiato with raspberry syrup didn’t appear fast enough. SERIOUSLY!!!!

We seem to need someone to blame for anything going on in the world!  And we attack anything within our reach!  If you look for it…you will see people lashing out….in so many outlets…..it is frightening.

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of watching a major news channel for 10 minutes…….10 minutes!!!!!!!!  What happened……I’ll tell you that if I watched that newscast for more than a few days I would need a steady dose of Ativan! And one prescription renewal…

So it brings us to the weekly question…

Why are we so OFFENDED!?

Several years ago I took a job at a small university.  Upon my arrival I gladly accepted an invitation for a “Meet and Greet” with the faculty, staff, administration, and surrounding community.  The introduction to the environment went well and I was relieved to find hospitality in a new town.  As the event came to an end, one individual approached me and had the following question,

“So….Coach…..I know where you are from…..but I hope you realize that you won’t be jack squat here!  I mean, with the money they are paying you they could buy something important…”

…..I laughed….I smiled….I asked the individual if they were a booster, a former athlete, or a member of the University community……their reply:

“Good Luck Bama”

This rapport continued for the first couple of months of my tenure.  The person would show up at certain gatherings and give me the silent treatment.  Let’s just say I was getting the message LOUD AND CLEAR!!  They didn’t want me there…and they wanted to make the transition as difficult as possible…..

As much as I didn’t want to admit it…they ticked me off!  I took careful notice of who the individuals connections were and made mental notes of them.

Each community has individuals and groups that “buy in” to what you are trying to cultivate in the program.  On the flip-side, you also have people who simply DO NOT want to listen to or participate any activity that you bring to the table…..for whatever reason.

I was trying to use the negativity of that person to motivate me….but I was really just feeding the issue….and working longer hours….and recruiting twice as hard as usual.

but hey…..I WAS OFFENDED!!!!…and being a jackwagon! (a Coach Newell term).

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Each Tuesday morning I would go to the local breakfast joint, grab a USA Today (great college football coverage), a coffee, and enjoy some “Me time”!  I would make small talk with the restaurant staff and check out the local talent…although single women are rare at a small town coffee shop on a Tuesday morning….well…in some places they are rare.

One particular Tuesday morning as I reached the bottom of my first cup of coffee, my “number one fan”(the guy from the Meet and Greet)….(that is my sarcasm for those who are new to this).. walked in with a small group of people.  They sat in a booth behind me and started their dissection of my game plan.  Suddenly, without thinking, I got up and walked over to their booth…..grabbed a chair….and pulled it right up beside my “buddy”.

“So, let’s talk some ball!” I said.

Completely shocked and a little off guard, the alpha of the group asked about the upcoming game.

I said…

“We have an incredible plan….and we are going to be successful!  But I’ll tell you what I think would really help us out….you know…turn the corner to being a championship team….ALL OF US BEING ON THE SAME DANG PAGE!  Why don’t you guys come by the field house ……I have some hats for you! We can meet here on Tuesday mornings and talk college football and our next opponent!?  Trust me, YA’LL want to be on our side when we start rolling!!!!!!!!!”

The table stopped and there was silence for about 4 seconds..(it felt like alot longer to this deep southerner).  And then…….UNANIMOUS AGREEMENT!!!  “Sure, we would love to!  Let’s start next week…..or we can do tomorrow if you want, Coach!?”

One by one they left until it was me and my “Number 1 fan”!

Then it happened, the individual said, “I guess you want to know why I’ve been such a (blank) to you since you arrived!!  I don’t get tickets anymore from the school.  None of us do.  After all I’ve done for this community…offended doesn’t even describe my feelings.  Now how would you feel?!”

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So there is was….the reason for being offended.…..

In a world of anger and offense over….

-Economic Status

-Race and Culture

-Education

-Religious Beliefs

-Sexual Orientation

-Bathroom usage….

– Heck…..ANYTHING…..

And yes….that is a frog!  Someone will not agree with my use of this frog….and

They will be offended.

Dr. Kevin Elko says in one of his programs,

“If you treat everyone you meet like they are hurting, you won’t miss by much!”

Truth is, WE ARE ALL HURTING!  We are all in a maze of breakups, divorces, greetings and goodbyes, beginnings and endings, friendships and romances, attractions and heartaches. And the only way we can express our pain is……..

TO BE ANGRY AND OFFENDED!

This message really tugs at my heart!  I see so many young men and women making mistakes because of EGO and PRIDE.  Simply watch your local news and watch as people alter their lives because they were OFFENDED!

For one week,  as your friend, mentor, and coach….I want to you commit to doing one thing!  Every person you see…every person you talk to….treat them as if they are hurting….as if they are wounded beyond repair. And if you need help with how to do that, the following is a blueprint:

-If someone is verbally rude:  stay calm and say, “I’m sorry” and LISTEN to them!

-If someone is mean to you at work:  ask them if they want a coffee and LISTEN to them!

-If a teammate is angry: ask them to take a walk with you and LISTEN to them!

-If your professor disciplines you in front of the class: LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!

Do you see the pattern????

My grandmother (Nanny Clark) would say, “Pass and Let Pass!”

Treat every single person you meet as though they are in pain….and you will be close!

This week,

“Give Up Your Right to Be Offended!”

Right now…say it out loud 3 times,

“For the next week I willingly forfeit my right to be Offended by others!  People are hurting and I am going to bless someone this week who was negative and/or rude and offended me!”

Also, make a list…..seriously!  A list!  List the people in the bible that Jesus performed a miracle for….and tell me why they were offended……and by whom!?

They just wanted to be BETTER!  They had gotten over their offended state of mind and just wanted to get BETTER!  So, do you want to get Better or do you want to be Offended?

It will really make you think….

Much Love Everyone! And let’s drop the HATE for a few days….

#CoachKD

Life is full of transitions!  

Athletically…

Academically…

Socially….

Spiritually….

Intellectually…

While some of these transitions are seamless and unnoticed until months and years later, some are difficult and hard to adjust to.  Most people graduate high school and shift into the next phase of life…whatever it may be…with prayer, some phone calls, long talks with the grandparents, and some late nights.  Other times, the shift is much more than a phone call.  It takes a toll due to the changes in each and every area of life.

Academically, it is ALWAYS going to shock the system.   College prep courses…no matter how difficult…are not really “college courses”.  JoAnne Carter’s Civics class at RHS was difficult, don’t get me wrong….but it had nothing on Bill Gonzebach’s Public Relations course at The University of Alabama.  It was rough….really tough!

The most immediate impact of any life transition is undeniably

SOCIAL!  

FRIENDS, CULTURE, SPIRITUAL SUPPORT, ENVIRONMENT…..

Your friend from high school who dreamed of joining the Marines isn’t going to be able to listen to your stressors of your freshman year at VCU when he is sweating through nights in Parris Island, South Carolina!  He simply can’t walk your path and run his….

Your teammate on your high school baseball team gets a scholarship to play at The University of Georgia.  You guys sat around for years talking about “life after high school”. You are not going to be able to sit on his team bus after they get beat by another school in the SEC Tournament….because you….you will be getting ready to student teach at the high school in Tallahassee.

Your best friend, that you have lived with throughout high school, decides to move to Los Angeles and become an actor.  You decided that Baton Rouge and LSU was the best place for you to pursue your goals.  Your best friend will have the path of auditions and you will be awaiting Saturdays in Tiger Stadium.  Both paths must be walked alone……

This transition takes approximately 3-6 months to develop and and for new social constructs to begin to cement.  And that is where I want to focus this week’s message.

What kind of people will you encounter during your first few years on your own path.  

Some people are “ride or die” and will be regardless of your geographical location, occupation, or relationship status.  These people are not going anywhere and will stay with you through thick and thin.  Others, on the other hand, will simply move to another state, get jobs that carry them to other locations, or have developed priorities that demand their attention.  They still care about you…..and still want to keep in touch…but their own lives are transitioning and THEY HAVE ALL HANDS ON DECK!

AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!

Sometimes, however, we need to understand the “ebbs and flows” of interpersonal relationships.  This is one of the biggest and most revealing epiphanies I have ever had in my personal life, my career, and my spiritual journey. The absolute best explanation of this came to me while I was watching Bishop T.D. Jakes speak on relationships. In the following video Bishop Jakes discusses the three types of people that you will meet on your journey toward your Destiny.

Bishop TD Jakes Confidants, Constituents, and Comrades!!!

Comrades: Not for you.  Not for what you are for.  They are against what you are against.  Only with you as long as a common enemy is in combat.  As soon as the common enemy is defeated….they will move on to another battle.

Constituents: They are for what you ARE FOR!  As long as you are for……..what they are for…they will be for you.  When the time comes that you cannot help them with your shared goal…..they will not be there. Not personal…just business. Easy to get close to and even confide in…but they are not confidantes.

**Confidantes: You will have very few of these people in your life.  THEY ARE FOR YOU!! Right or wrong…they are with you for the long haul!  They are “Ride or Die”!  You can call these people at 2am….in an Upstate New York blizzard….and they will drive 5 hours to come get you…..(long story)….

I have shared the information in this message with you for the following statement:

Not everyone in your circle will be able to continue on the path you are taking!

Several years ago I decided to go to graduate school and pursue a Master’s Degree.  It was an inconvenient time financially and there were other factors that complicated the transition.  Once I committed, my circle almost IMMEDIATELY shifted.  I noticed that my social constructs, priorities, and expectations shifted along with my goals.  At first, my condition was uncomfortable.  VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!  Everything was new!

Relationships that I once counted on….I noticed were only there if I showed up at church an hour early…….if I dressed a certain way…..if I worked out the same muscles on certain days…..if I was as “spiritual” as was culturally acceptable IN THEIR CIRCLES…..

…..Comrades

……Constituents

I sensed this transition! Then, I stumbled upon a certain story in John 6!

Many DISCIPLES desert Jesus!

To summarize, Jesus was traveling around and performing signs and miracles.  Just doing His thing.  I mean, He is Jesus, right!? As He travels, His focus an His destiny starts to become more CONCENTRATED each day!  Each day His messages to His circle (His disciples) required more faith and more commitment.   Shortly after His “Bread of Life” message to the Jews,  in verse 60….let’s pick up the conversation,

⁶⁰ On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

⁶¹ Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? ⁶² Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! ⁶³ The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit^[a] and life. ⁶⁴ Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. ⁶⁵ He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

⁶⁶ From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

Seriously,  after all of the things they had seen Jesus do….they “no longer f0llowed him”!?

And to the ones that stayed, Jesus gave them an out…..a straight up, OUT:

⁶⁷ “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

⁶⁸ Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. ⁶⁹ We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

⁷⁰ Then Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!” ⁷¹ (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)