Coaches, supervisors, and parents are confronted with a unlimited number of issues with their players, employees, and children. Some are relatively benign…while others require some intensive thought and a plan of action to assist the issue.
One of the problems that are inevitable…….
Relationships!
The individual comes to you. Maybe after a period of trying to work through the situation themselves…and they need someone “sane” to talk to. This usually takes place after they discussed it with one of their friends and quickly realized their friends advice was a little less crazy than a speech from a democratic primary….
vs….
They want someone to talk to. They want someone who will NOT take the issue to Facebook…..(vague quotes about relationships, “Don’t go a mile for someone who won’t go an inch for….well…you get it)! They want someone who will not multiply the drama in their life. They want real advice and they want to know how in the heck to make their pain subside.
Each time this has happened to me it has come at a VERY inconvenient time. I’m running late….I’m getting food “To Go”…..late to church……ASLEEP at 3am even. But I don’t care one single bit. These are the moments…when the lights are not on…that we earn our title as coaches and mentors.
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One of my favorite players of all time came to me one beautiful Piedmont day with a stern, yet vulnerable look on his face. He had been a little disconnected the past couple of days and I had called him on it.
I put my arm around him and asked one key question…..
“Is it a girl, school, or home?! Or All of the above?! Come talk to me when you are ready!”
After the player and I talked for a few minutes something seemed different about him. The girlfriend was definitely an issue…..so we began our process….I said,
“Let’s play a little game here. Just for the heck of it, let’s say you are the Athletic Director at the University of…..well….and SEC school! You have to hire a Head Football Coach in less than 3 weeks. What are the characteristics you are looking for in a Head Coach?
Player: “Well Coach, I would need the following things:
-A coach with a bachelor’s degree and masters degree…..minimum!
-A proven Head Coach at a major program,
-A winning record.
-A Coach that has been to a few different places and WON!
-A proven Recruiter. Someone who can recruit the very best!
-A coach with a stable family life….Wife understands the Culture.
-A coach with a good reputation…erh…a BIG NAME!
-A defensive mind: A head coach that is intense and will fight for you in the street.
-Oh…and being a defensive coach…a coach who will hire the right Offensive Coord.
-A good fit for the South. A cross between a Southern Baptist Preacher and a CEO of a fortune 500 company. Someone who could compete with Nick Saban, Jim McElwain, and Kirby Smart.
Player: “What do you think so far, Coach?!”
Me: “Wow, impressive! Very impressive! The only thing you left out is calling Jimmy Sexton…….
………….However,
“What characteristics do you look for in a girl to date?!, REAL TALK!?”
Player: “Well, I would normally say good legs, Beyonce’s butt, and a that look in her eye..you know what I’m sayin!?”
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Ok…Ok…I know what you are thinking! But I’ve had this conversation many times over my career. And yes, when I was in college I dated just for fun! However, I figured out real quick that I had to re-examine my qualifications! And honestly, those girls probably needed to work on their qualifications too….when considering ME!!!
If the following list is even remotely correct, then I’m getting close! Click the link below:
The 10 People You Date Before You Meet The One!
My favorite is #9…..especially the last part! I’ve personally seen that one a few times.
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Anyway, the whole relationship thing is a eons different then it ever has been or ever will be due to several factors:
- TECHNOLOGY: Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, etc, etc, etc….TINDER! (My favorite are the people on Tinder that say they want a serious relationship…NOT A HOOKUP…and to “Swipe Left” if you are looking for a hookup! I mean…you …are…on…Tinder! TINDER! C’mon man!!
- EXPANDING NETWORKS: In the past, guys would meet a girl in his hometown or a few towns over, and BAM….the cycle repeats itself! Today, anyone is a keystroke away from meeting anyone…AROUND THE WORLD!
- FASTER RELATIONSHIP PHASES: The Discovery Phase is now days….thanks to #1 and #2 above 🙂 Anything you want to know…THE INTERNET will tell you! (Half of you guys are laughing at this right now because one of the tabs above is on Facebook…your ex’s Facebook, That is!)
- CHANGING SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS: I’m not going to venture too far into this but society has changed its views on SEX, SEXUALITY, ATTRACTION, AND THE DEFINITION OF INTIMACY!
AND WHILE ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE CHANGED OUR WORLD…ONE CONDITION STILL REMAINS THE SAME….
We are trying to obtain positive relationships and we are all trying to HIRE our personal Co-Head Coaches!
We all have dreams and aspirations in our heads of what our future spouse should be like. We tell our friends when we met someone we are interested in and then we feel let down when we find out that special person has a past, parents won’t approve, and isn’t interested in OUR DREAMS!
So, What in the world should our QUALIFICATIONS be?
When I look back at my college years, I remember seeing a pattern when examining the dating culture during that time. The culture was cyclical:
THE JACKED UP COLLEGE DATING CYCLE
(Please don’t take this as me being cynical….this is just what I have seen as the “secular” dating cycle..)
- Discovery Phase: 1 hour-2 weeks..
- Intimacy Phase: No explanation needed.
- Breakup Phase: Usually over a minor issue that is just a means for one to get out of the relationship!
- Recovery Phase: Usually involved meeting another person and entering #1 again…
Now, let’s go a little more “IN DEPTH” into the cycle…..
1: Discovery Phase:
“This is who I want you to THINK I am. Things like Trust/Loyalty/Commitment are yet to be tested…but “Dang, THEY ARE HOT!” I’m not sure if Intimacy SHOULD happen but (I KNOW IT SHOULDN’T…BUT….DANGIT! It just happened.”
2. Intimacy Phase:
“DID THAT JUST HAPPEN AGAIN! DANGIT! And what did you say your roommates name is again?! Oh, Ok! I’ve driven through your hometown with my parents on our way to vacation…..its SOO COOL! Oh class?! I only have a lab at……??? I haven’t been in a week! Do you still want to hang out tonight?!”
3. Discovery Phase Part II:
“We’ve been together for a month and you listen to Dwight Yoakam!? I can’t even believe this!!! And you grew up a Tennessee fan!? WTH!!?? I don’t even know who you are anymore…..!? But, when we get married…and yes we are still getting married...how many kids are we having..”
4. Break-Up Phase:
(At one person’s apt or dorm room)…”I saw you having coffee with your professor…..do you two have a thing? Oh, I’m not accusing you? I just wanted to know! Wait, my “boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/it’s complicated” is here…I’m sorry but you need to go…..but I really enjoyed last night! Facebook DM me after he leaves…”
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Now, let’s look back at that list of QUALIFICATIONS that my player gave me for hiring a Head Coach at an SEC program….and let’s put the list into play with a relationship….Girlfriend/Boyfriend dynamic:
–A coach with a bachelor’s degree and masters degree…..minimum! Is the candidate prepared, willing, and able to be your partner in all decisions spiritual, parental (when kids arrive), FINANCIAL, and medical (do you trust them to make the right decision…..?)
–A proven Head Coach at a major program: Has the candidate learned from…and accepted their past and do they see it as changing them for the better? They have been around scene and see your value and your worth as a person spiritually, parentally, and financially?
–A winning record. As much as we hate to admit it at times…life counts wins and losses. Is the candidate a winner? Has the candidate proven their PRIORITIES AND STANDARDS can stand the test of time? Are they biblical standards!?!? Food for thought!
–A Coach that has been to a few different places and WON! Has the candidate dated a few people and learned from each? Are they friends with them? Do they stay in contact with all of their exes? (RED FLAG)! Most importantly, does the candidate want to tell you about those experiences because they want you to understand and know the candidate better…..?
–A proven Recruiter. Someone who can recruit the very best! What type of people surround your candidate? Are they trustworthy? Is there always drama? What type of people does your candidate recruit to invest in….? On Friday night, is their first play call, “What time are we meeting at the bar!?” ****What do they talk about? What’s in their heart?!
-A coach with a stable family life….Wife/Husband understands the Culture. Does the candidate know what THEY are getting THEMSELVES into with YOU!?!? This list does go both ways! Do you really want to become intimate with them and them FREAK OUT with they discover your addiction to anything “Justin Beiber”! Trust me….you don’t want to get into a rough football season and your significant other figure out they don’t want to be a “coaches wife/husband”!
–A coach with a good reputation…erh…a BIG NAME! This one is just plain obvious. Does the candidate have a good reputation? Do you keep hearing stories of what the candidate did at that football party in 2005? Things to consider……. People can….and do…change…but its not a good feeling to have a friend or acquaintance walk up to you in a restaurant or bar and…with sincere look, ask “Are you with THEM!?”
–A defensive mind… A head coach that is intense and will fight for YOU in the street: *****************Is the candidate loyal?! TO YOU! Sure they have friends! They better! But are they going to be loyal to YOU through thick and thin!
-Oh…and being a defensive coach…a coach who will hire the right Offensive Coord: Is your candidate able to outsource when necessary?! When they do need help, who would the candidate seek out? Is your candidate humble and efficient enough to understand when they need to seek guidance from a spiritual, financial, parental, or relational authority?!….OR DO THEY INTERNALIZE? ****Also tied to this: Are they relationally mature?
-A good fit for the South. A cross between a Southern Baptist Preacher and a CEO of a fortune 500 company. Someone who could compete with Nick Saban, Jim McElwain, and Kirby Smart. All I am going to say about this one is…….watch Paulie Shore in…
Well, let’s take a look at what the Alpha and the Omega says about virtuous relationships…..
The following link is summary to the Love Story of Ruth and Boaz….
The Love Story of Ruth and Boaz
When you read that story you will realize that it talks a great deal about waiting (from both sides), faith ( in yourself…others…and GOD), and TIMING! Also, everyone in the story had to meet certain biblical qualifications before the situation could present itself….
This week you are back home for the first time in a year or you are working your Boaz off in a summer job (You gotta give me credit for the corny stuff)! Either way, you should have a little time at night to think about WHO you are and WHERE your life is going! During this “Free Time”…list the top 10 traits you want in your mate and ask this question:
Do I possess and reflect the traits I expect my future mate to have?!
Would you hire YOU to be the Assistant Head Coach of your LIFE!????……
I think that is a great stopping point for this week’s message…..
So this week, ask yourself:
Am I a Boaz…or am I just another person on that list above?
Just asking……
Stay Strong!
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#WouldIBuyWhatIamSelling?
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