Month: October 2016

I usually don’t get nervous……

Anxiety on the other hand…that’s definitely an issue for me!

There have been moments in my life where my nerves really kicked in….such as big games and interviews.  But some of the worst cases of anxiety/nerves for me have been….THE SEMI-BLIND DATE!

I admit to this only because of the topic of this weeks message.

Recently, I have noticed a modern day phenomenon…..“Tinder Nerves”!

So I’m sitting at a Starbucks on Hwy 280 in Birmingham, AL.  I was engrossed in a book I had been trying to finish for some time and from periodically I would glance around to see the cycling in of new customers.

During one of these “breaks” a young professional sat down a seat away from me and I could tell she was really nervous…..no…no…REALLY nervous!  My pastoral heart got the better of me and I smiled and asked her how her day was.

The young lady (whom we will call Beth for anonymity) blushed and said, “Can you tell I’m nervous and a little uncomfortable?”

I chuckled and said “Not at all!  I just thought it would be nice to say hello!”

Then the avalanche of information began…..the following is an excerpt of what she told me in next 5 minutes….

“Look, I know this sounds crazy but I agreed to meet a tinder date here!  ‘ never done this before and I’m a little nervous/excited/scared etc…  We have been texting on and off for a week and I just realized we have never talked in person!  He could be a robot!  Seriously! He may not even show up because he is a robot!  OMG!!! What if he really is a robot…or he took another persons pic and put it on Tinder!  What if he …erh…the bot….is friends with people I’m friends with on Facebook and they find out!?  OMG….what am I doing with my life?!   Why did I agree to do this!  I am so stupid!! What was I thinking?”

After I realized I was witnessing a full-tilt, full intensity freakout…..a woman nearby and I tried to calm her!   I used my old trick to avoid any solicitation for relationship advice by throwing out, “Look, I’m 35 and single so I’m probably not the person to seek for relationship advice!  Just sayin….”

That zinger is usually good for a laugh but she immediately threw it right back at me!

‘Beth’ said, “Oh NO!!  What if I get to 35 and I’m single!  That cannot happen!”

Suddenly I wasn’t laughing……………………but everyone else was!!!!

About that time, a young twenty-something with a hipster look and Ray Ban’s strolled in the front door.  He glanced around the room and when his eyes found our nervous (and rather insensitive) new friend, his eyes lit up!

We found our “Romeo”!

The young man introduced himself and before her $6.00 Macchiato could cool off, they were laughing and talking about how awkward those meetings can be.  Before I knew what was going on….they were walking out to her car together…

I left that Starbucks with two distinct thoughts.

1.  I just witnessed a true example of dating in our current social construct.
2.  I have to get some better zingers that can’t be thrown back at me.

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The ways we approach relationships have changed…..

Food For thought:

The link below is very useful!

In 1980, the average marrying age was 24.7 for men and 22 for women!

The average Marrying Age TODAY!!!

According to Flowing Data, today

the average marrying age for Women is…26 years old.  

The average marrying age for Men is ……28 years old…….

Times, they are ‘a changing’!  We are settling down later.  We are prioritizing our lives with education, career, and ambition. Our lives are evolving….

If you have spent any amount of time with college-aged population you know that those individuals are searching for the same things that everyone searches for throughout life!

 Companionship!

Communication!

The ironic part is,  no one has a clue about how to find those relational goals, but they are EXPECTED to be fulfilled those roles.  Young people and twenty-somethings are frantically trying to navigate school and career.  As the process extends into their late 20’s, they discover other areas of their lives that are severely underdeveloped.  As a result….

We, as a generation, are now more isolated than ever…and we don’t know what to do about it!

At some point in our lives we begin seriously searching for a mate.  We date around our  colleges and our communities.  We continue to look for that person that we want to invest our lives into.

While we are frantically climbing the ladder of success……you look around and see that your friendships and interpersonal relationships are suffering.

Your friends? You will see them when you all come back to the alma mater once a year!

Your family?  There’s always Christmas…or maybe next year..

Your dating life?  (I’ve been guilty of this)Hold on, work is calling I really need to take this call….

So what do we do to remedy the issue?

In college, we joined the cultural exercise of heading to the bar.  This carries over into the corporate world. I know this one because I took part in this myself!  We go…We socialize….seeking friendships and if you are lucky….instead of getting a few Phi Mu and Pi Phi phone numbers…you may network yourself into a big job or business deal!  We leave…..look down at our phones….and begin thinking about the next day.

A few days later……we wake up and do it all over again…because:

…our social constructs about dating, relationships, and intimacy, have and ARE changing….but expectations and social norms have not!

Your Mom and Dad, probably just like mine,  still ask the same questions at family functions…

“When are you gonna?  Any prospects? Oh well, how’s work!?”

So how do we fix the issue?!  The following are steps that I decided to take when I started graduate school to get my relationships up to par:

1.  As a former co-worker of mine would say, “If you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!”  Start an introspection of where you are deficient in your life….and Stop digging the hole!
2. Be honest with yourself….but not to the point of getting depressed.  Take a look at your social groups and any romantic relationships you have or THINK you have.  Are they constructive?  Is positive energy coming from them?  Are….they…..LONG TERM???  If not, it’s time to move along.
3. Be honest with those closest to you.  HINT:  They already know and are willing to help you in the process.
4. Be open to the idea that there is someone out there that needs to meet YOU!!!!!!!
5. Have a plan for a second date…and third… and fourth..and…. 
6. FYI:  having plans for the 10th date will require some deep considerations of what you bring to the relationship and conversations about where your career path is taking you….BE PREPARED!
7. Once you find it…PURSUE IT AND COMMUNICATE!  There are no guarantees in life.  But it you don’t try, you will never know!

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In closing, I know this is a sensitive subject to many.  But as mentors, educators, and leaders we must try to understand the social changes that are taking place in front of us.  We must understand that when our players and young people come to us for advice its because….

they have no clue what they are doing!!

We must accept that times are changing and just as we look desperately for answers in our own complicated lives, our young people are trying to navigate this thing called life as well. In some way,  we are all trying to navigate something…

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Recently, while having a group discussion with a former player regarding the “When should I call the woman I can’t stop thinking about” conundrum, one of my long time mentors interjected advice worthy of a Nicholas Sparks novel…..

After listening to the players dilemma, he walked up to all of us and said,

“Gentlemen, let me give you some advice that is dear to my heart….Kiddo, if you are thinking about her, let her know! If you want to hear her voice, call her!  And if you want to see her….tell her!   Sometimes all she wants is a little affirmation! Be honest and to the point..that’s what she wants. Oh, and if it isn’t what she wants….it ain’t what you want anyway!  Either way, you better have a plan for 2nd down!  Any guy with a smile can make a 1st down play.  Have a plan to have her beside you in the 4th quarter!”

Maybe I should have told that new awkward couple at Starbucks that quote…

Maybe in the time it took her to sip down that $6.00 macchiato….she was able to calm down and realize this was a possibly a very good thing…and she deserves that….Tinder Match or not!

Maybe those two that “Swiped Right” are ready to meet someone and don’t really care what the constructs are…..

Maybe those people we make fun of on dating sites are ready for a change…

Maybe they are trying to develop a plan…..

At least they have a clue what they are doing!

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This week, take a look at your social expectations and see how/if the world is changing in comparison.

You may find out that you could be saving yourself a lot of time…and data!

Oh yeah, and…….

“you better have a plan and know what you are doing!!”

#COACHKD

Everyone has a story…

Every story can be told many different ways….

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The picture has faded over the years.  The edges are lined with a cotton-like fray from years of sitting in my wallet on game days and surviving the countless moves from state to state.  The once bright, high-definition photo now resembles one of those old portraits from the 1900’s that great-grandparents have hanging proudly in their hallways….the one’s that have an oval shape and a figure standing stoically for the photographer.  It’s simply a picture of my mom and dad at my Nanny Alberta’s house.

A priceless photo….A reminder…..

Take a stroll through any place with history.  Take Yankee Stadium for example…  The walls are full of photos and people from another time and era.  But as you look around, those people are standing…..WHERE YOU ARE STANDING!   Literally, in the spot where you are standing!  Babe Ruth smoking a cigar, holding a bat.  DiMaggio resting the bat on his shoulder as he talks to fans. Ted Williams with his legendary swing!  And don’t forget the fans…oh my gosh…the crowd.  The suits, the hats, the clothing of the era…..  

Pictures and photographs, like the one I keep with me, have a way of reminding us of people and experiences.  Places and times that we choose to look back on and moments that made a lasting impression on our lives.  Maybe its as simple as a fishing trip your family took as a child.   Maybe it was a pet you had at your grandparents house.  Or maybe it was one of these……

The freshly cut grass at Fulton County Stadium before an Atlanta Braves game.  

The waves crashing onto the beach on Longboat Key.  

The way your date’s dress looked the first time you took her out.  

Places and people bring feelings of happiness and joy.  Experiences that calm us…and some that motivate us!

This week I have a simple question for you…What pictures do you carry…not just with you…but in your mind…in that drawer at home?!

A few days ago I was walking the halls of my alma mater and I was looking over the gallery of photographs of National Championship celebrations in Pasadena, Miami, and Glendale.  I paused and gave an inquisitive stare at a picture of Mark Ingram crossing the goal line with Terrance Cody leading the way.

As I stared, a flood of memories came back to me.  The Southern California weather, Pepperdine at Malibu, the Santa Monica Pier, the Kardashian’s store, and the Rose Bowl (and nearly wrecking a Red Dodge Charger)!!!  It seemed like just a few months ago I was standing there in warm Pasadena twilight as the stadium remained Crimson…then I realized how long ago it felt.

Memories…of people…and an experience….

Later that day, while recruiting, I ran into an old friend.  As we were catching up, he showed me a picture of us fishing on the Tombigbee River….more than 10 years ago.  The photo made me laugh out loud.  A group of 5 of us were standing on a boat holding a stringer of fish…..we looked rough…but full of life!  My friend and I laughed…..reminisced about those trips and how life had changed. He asked me about my old step-side truck…and I asked him if he still had his Labrador Retriever.

A photograph…a moment…an experience in the lives of 6 people….

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Sometime this week, take a few minutes and browse through the photos on your phone, on your computer, and in that shoebox you keep in your office or closet.

Spend a few minutes reminiscing over the memories and reminding yourself of those moments and the experiences they remind you of.  These photos can also remind you of times that you were forced to grow….

-Photos of a job you hated….

-Pictures of a class trip you took and were not feeling well.

-or……take a breath…..pictures of a relationship from years ago…

All of these pictures tell a story….

Reflect on the person you were in those photos and the journey that has led to where you are now…..

Many times, a simple look back at the person you “WERE” is enough to make some big decisions seem easy.  Every once in a while, the answer is in the past…

Ladies and Gentlemen, during certain seasons of life we look back with joy.  Other times, we have to mature and examine where we have been…….in order to see where the next step may be!  That is why…..

There is power in those photos…….

There are emotions in those experiences….

There is MOTIVATION in those pictures……

There are reminders scattered throughout the albums of our lives that tell the story of who we are, where we have been, and who we have known….

Sometimes we owe it to ourselves to take a walk through those albums….

to see where we are going…..

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It’s funny what we remember about people….

I vividly remember walking into my neighbor’s house and hundreds of pictures were all over the house.  I’m not talking about ZAPS from a Greek Function at Ole Miss.... This is much more invested and meaningful than that!   I’m talking about how people in generations before us loved to take pictures.  They loved to catch moments and use them to tell our stories.  And the pictures would be introduced like this…….

-“This is my sister Jane.  She lives in California, has 3 awesome boys…you should meet them…they are incredible!  They are going to San Diego next week!”

-“That is my niece KK.  She is really going places.  She is in college at a big University in Georgia. “

-“That picture is of my friend Melissa’s boy….he comes by and takes care of the yard once a week.  He has basically started his own business…”

Our Pictures….

Our People……

Our Stories…..

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As busy as our lives are…and as time melts away…..we must spend time investing in each other and “taking pictures”.  Those pictures are going to extremely valuable to you and the and those who are close to you.  Why, you may ask? Because…..

“It’s more than just a photo……” 

What stories and photos do you need to remind yourself of?

What memories do you need to revisit?

What direction are YOU and the people in your Camera Roll going?

We are having a human experience that no person has EVER lived before and will EVER live again.

It’s time to remind yourself to LIVE and start making Memories!!!

Hope you guys have a great week!

#CoachKD