Every city has one or two highways and byways that always seem to form a commuters worst nightmare at each rush hour. Helicopters fly over random cities across the country and give local media outlets hour-by-hour instructions of the current traffic situation. If you are unfortunate enough to be stuck in this inconvenience, you have several options. You can get frustrated, which most drivers eventually do. You can turn to the local sports radio station to catch up on current sporting drama. Or, you can take a look around you and observe your fellow commuting ‘humans”.
During one of these rush hour moments I began to survey the vehicles around me. I began to notice that 90% were on their mobile devices whether it was a smart phone, tablet, or my personal favorite….a woman using her laptop key pad while talking on her Iphone. I promise you this was not a Farmer’s Insurance commercial. The thought came to mind, “These people are Auto-Pilot!”.
Seriously!
If we were to survey all of the drivers that I observed on my commute, 70% of them could not recall very detailed aspects of their drive. Simple feedback such as red lights, how many ‘close calls’ they experienced while driving, and emergency vehicles seemingly escape even the experienced driver’s brain.
A few months ago I was catching up on the statewide news on http://www.al.com when I began to notice just how much information was published in regards to logistics and transportation. This raised a question that is not answered easily:
“Are we really living our lives………. or is life passing us by!”
I am far from alone is asking this question. In fact, Jim Stone Ph.D wrote an excellent article in March of 2016
I had my own personal ‘wake-up call’ this past August. On a normal, average Saturday I had just left a promotional function at a business in Birmingham, AL. As I left I was excited to finally have an interested buyer for golf clubs I had listed for a week. I was making the drive to meet the buyer when……EVERYTHING STOPPED! After a technical failure in the vehicle I was driving, I lost the ability to stop. In a moment of fear for myself and other drivers, I instantly turned the automobile off the road. After the 6 feet tall drop-off, I met a very large tree trunk. I am unsure of the speed at which I was traveling but I do know one thing….
TREES DON’T MOVE!
During my 5-week stay at The University of Alabama at Birmingham Hospital I was lucky to have some of the best medical professionals perform over 11 procedures. After the dust settled I had a broken Femur, Tibula, Fibula, 6 fractured ribs, and a cracked vertebrae. This injuries forced me to do something I haven’t done in years.
I was forced me to Slow down and take a strong look at where I was in life and where I am going!
In the heat of the moment we realize who is going to be there for us. In the moments after the first responders arrived I was giving phone numbers to witnesses in order to notify family. Not having any way to know where I was being transported, my cousin Kari and her husband Robert were able to track my down to UAB. I will never forget lying on the table in the trauma room waiting for the doctors to come back. I looked up and my Aunt Janice and Uncle Gary came into my room. As a side note, Gary and Janice received the emergency call and Gary didn’t even put his shoes on! Gary ended up buying a pair of shoes at some store in Birmingham. (Talk about a great promo for Alabama Media Group). We spoke for a few moments and I knew life would be changing rapidly. I was taken back to surgery and I remember thinking, “Everything is going to be OK!” The following photo was my reality for 5+ weeks.
As the holiday season approaches, we will have countless commitments including family dinners, work functions, and the occasional school Christmas concert. We will all forget to silence our phones and battle what emails to prioritize after Christmas break ends. Before we realize it, those crucial family moments will have passed and we will be back in front of our steering wheels driving those highways and byways at yet another rush hour. Maybe, just maybe, we can find a few special moments to set aside for those that matter the most. Trust me…….
As you read this….I want you to keep the following scripture in mind:
“As Iron Sharpens Iron, So One Man Sharpens Another.”-Proverbs 27:17
Every weight room…Every Locker Room…..Every Office……Every stadium…I have coached in has had this scripture posted in it! It’s the base of everything we do! To “Sharpen one another” we must converse……To order to converse (really converse)….we have to INTERACT….you know, look at each other….read body language…sense emotion, etc.
Why???!!!! Because we are fed…..our futures are fed….through moments of conversation and fellowship.
When you think back over your life and you identify the moments that changed your life….a conversation precluded each one of those instances. Some of the conversations involved the following statements:
“You know, you would be a great teacher!”
“You are too talented to be in this job?”
“One day you are going to own your own garage!”
“You have a gift for photography…you know that right!?”
“You are going to make a great Coach one day!”
“You should take that job!”
“You should apply for that scholarship!”
“You know you are going places in your life!”
All of these statements speak life to gifts and talents! They sharpen and focus what is already inside our mind and soul!
They…..COMMUNICATE and REAFFIRM our gifts and talents!
Regardless of what we admit in the break room or cafeteria, these statements stick in our memory and give us energy toward your God-given passion! I can still recall occasions when people I respected made small….life-changing statements in conversations that directed my life!
However…..as great and life changing as these words of encouragement are…….
Something has changed! In the past decade, WE have changed! Our time is PRIORITIZED differently! Our VALUES have even changed! ……….Want proof?
-Can you recall any specific personal details involving 5 conversations you had with people today?….that you didn’t read off of FACEBOOK or INSTAGRAM?!
-When someone asks, “How are you doing today?!”…..do you respond with “Good, how are you?” as you walk past them? Do you even look at them while speaking?….better yet, do you take your friends social media status’ as their life condition?
-How many conversations during our day involve at least one glance at our phone?!
OUR WORLD HAS BECOME DE-PERSONALIZED! OUR WORLD IS LOSING THE ABILITY TO CONVERSE, RELATE, AND IN THE END….LOVE!
WE SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER ANYMORE!
One person’s “I love you” is another person’s “We are cool”!
One person’s “She’s my best friend” is another person’s “acquaintance”!
“Intimacy” is something that our world has unlimited definitions for!
We have no consistency with anything relating to RELATIONSHIP and COMMUNICATION!
If a friendship goes south…it will result in the following statement…………………………..
“You know, I just had to DE-FRIENDthem!”
Communication has changed! Relationships have not progressed at the same rate as our technology and our digital dependence.
We prefer text messages instead of phone calls….phone calls instead of dinner or coffee….and amazingly….we wonder why we feel alone! Have you ever wondered why…for the first time in history…..the following book titles are flying off the shelves:
-Crucial Conversations
-The 5 Love Languages
-Marriage for dummies.
-Date or Soul Mate: How to know if someone is pursuing in two dates or less.
-Flirtexting….How to text your way to their heart…….
I can’t help but laugh at the last one!
What happened!?? Our quality of COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS! Our ability to feed others and receive life-giving conversation is fading away.
There was this commercial during my childhood….you know the type. The type of commercial that made you feel sad and aware all at the same time. To show you the time frame….The commercial shared the airways with the following clip:
Anyway….This particular commercial involved the typical “normal” American family! The wife ( with HUGE 80’s hair)….(remember the hairspray) welcomes the husband home….presumably early from work/business trip. The mother proudly announces to their son, “Daddy’s home! Come say hi!” The boy runs to the phone in the living room, picks it up…….(yes, landlines were the norm), and says, “What’s up Dad?!” into the phone!
What happened!?? Our quality of COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS!
Have you noticed this Chik-fil-A campaign?! The fact that we need a “kit” to keep our cell phones away from us is ….in a word….SCAREY!!!
That is our world today! We text, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Tinder, SnapChat, GroupMe, Periscope, Skype, Find Friends, Hootsuite, FaceTime……and we may fit in 3 fast food meals before we go to sleep. We are conditioned to cultivating our relationships through technology!
Before I go any further…..
I NEED TO GET BETTER AT THIS MYSELF!
Ok…with my own admission out of the way…lets get serious! So, the following is a suggested plan for better our relationships: I want to define certain relational terms for my own personal standard and that for my close social construct such as: Friends, Small Group, Fellowship, Trust, Transparency, Intimacy (Both Interpersonal and Physical), and prioritize my TIME based on those relationships that define those terms!
So, I am making an effort! I want to ‘get to know’ my family, friends, and coworkers again! I want to KNOW what’s going on in their lives! I want them to KNOW I am investing!
Before we talk about the plan…I want to tell you one negative about this! This plan is counter-cultural! So, you will encounter “sweater vests”! There will be some eye-rollers, some trash-talkers, some “pharisees”, some people who don’t like the “change ” you are trying to introduce! You will see them….or hear of them, with hand over their mouth, standing in the lobby of the church…..or your work……simply doing what comes natural to them! Here is the good news:
IF YOU SEE…OR HEAR….THE SWEATER VESTS TALKING ABOUT YOU…….WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WORKING…AND THEY ARE SCARED OF YOU CHALLENGING THE STATUS QUO!
SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEALT WITH SWEATER VEST PEOPLE: Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., Billy Graham, Bishop TD Jakes, Nick Saban, Pete Carroll, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, David Beckham, every President of the US, every Coach in America, ……so I think you will be in good company.
So this is what my ACTION PLAN involves 3 areas of relationship:
—–Personal….Intimate Relationships——
Who is your core group (less than 5) of friends and family!?
Write their names down.
Take them to coffee, lunch, or dinner (No cell phone)…and TELL THEM they are in your core. **If you feel awkward about telling them…THEY ARE NOT YOUR CORE!!!!
EXPLAIN….IN DETAIL…what “core” means to you and what they mean to you!
1: When someone…ANYONE…asks you how you are doing: 1: Stop 2: Smile 3: Look at them and t 4: Try to genuinely ask, “I’m ______, How are you ?!”
This may be awkward for the first few times….but it will become easier!
2: Remember something specific about their current lives and 1: Say their name the next day when talking to them and 2: Ask them about that specific situation. 3: LISTEN!!
—–Church Family, Spiritual Development Relationships—–
1: Find a Small Group at Church!
2: Leave the phone in the car
3: Get to know PEOPLE! LOVE THEM!
I’ve been in several small groups in my home church of Church of the Highlands in Birmingham, AL. It was actually in a small group that I began to notice how much my life needed people! Just conversation and “This is where I am in life!” The last small group I was in was absolutely incredible. Our group jelled from the first night and our small group leaders: Rusty, Ira, and Brett were always prepared and thrilled to host a group of people each week! We all became friends! Close friends! The small group culminated in a LIFE RETREAT in Birmingham, AL…which was one of the most moving experiences I have witnessed. LIVES WERE CHANGED!
DO THIS TODAY! IT WILL BE THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO THIS YEAR!
Finally, really look at the relational terms above that we mentioned!
Friends, Small Group, Fellowship, Trust, Transparency, Intimacy (Both Interpersonal and Physical), Core.
REALLY LOOK AT THEM! Decide to define them in YOUR TERMS! Explain to friends and your significant other what those definitions mean to you! A big reason so many people are confused in relationships is that they don’t have a definition for “relational terms”. You will see an immediate difference in how you relate to people when you realize how you interact with them.
You may just learn something new…..about them…and yourself!
If you need some suggestions on where to find a small group based church…. take a look at the following website!
coachkd.org 